Just wanted to say I'm still okay. I'm facing some hard truths right now but I'm squeezing in adorable things at every corner and just trying to cope with it. Thank you to whoever's prayed/been praying for me. I just don't know how to interact with other people very well and ... eh. I don't post these journals to get attention and I hate feeling like people only take out of the journal that I need prayer? But I do appreciate the prayers. So thank you. I just really wish that doing normal adult things didn't make me want to lock myself away somewhere and cry. :I I'm not good with handling them and concealing my emotion is like not even possible so it's humiliating and embaressing and massively frustrating with added frustration when people don't understand it/tell me everyone has to do it? Like I get everyone has to do it just for me it's emotionally more difficult?
my mom keeps bringing up the possibility of needing to move again. it makes me really sad. If we move to the city there are a lot less trees and i'll like never be allowed outside by myself (to go off to do my own thing) again and idk how transportation or anything would work but as it is we're not in the city and mom doesn't even want me to take a walk by myself around the block? she was talking about a local-ish city but then she mentioned California...
Several years ago I couldn't imagine living outside California but now I would really dread moving back. There's nothing there for me. I don't wanna be selfish, I just wouldn't be very happy there. I love my friends there, but there's nothing else there I really want. it just seems so dead and dry there when I remember it. And really ridiculously hot with a large number of insect invasions of the household. I would just really like to stay right where we already are...
But that's just me. mom's not happy here. I mean, she likes it but she also hates how there's a lot of stores she can't shop at and she's really frustrated about her job situation. Em's already been unhappy here for months.
I guess we just can't win. Even if I moved out to live here on my own while mom moved to the city I would just be lonely all the time. At this stage though I don't know how to live on my own so I have to go where mom goes. And it may be really far away. Em wants to go back to California. I know mom wants to stay with both of us so... we may not move just for Em's sake but if mom feels like we need to move and Em moves down to cali then I might end up back where I started.
Nothing's near definite yet. it'll be at least 4 months or so I think before mom makes any kind of decision regarding it because she wants to try to get a decent job here still and she knows how I feel about leaving. but it's kinda depressing even thinking of it as a possibility. We're trying so hard to launch me into reality here, I just can't imagine what I'll do as far as a job if I have to go back to cali... I guess something like whatever I get here... but ... all my schooling just feels like such a waste. especially if I move back to cali because I had to change my college goals when I moved due to incompatible curriculum. I'm not going to be able to do what I originally wanted if I go back.
Maybe I won't have to go back... but I don't know. I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do with my life.
I also really wish I could just get my college work done, because I just tripled my course load in attempt to compensate for how incompetent and pathetic I feel all the time. I just want to feel like I'm doing something right, but I never really do. I'm only proud for like 5 minutes when I accomplish something it seems like.
I guess i'm disappointed because my mom has been disappointed with my attitude towards college. But when I told her I wasn't going to quit and i'm taking more courses than I've ever tried to at one time, she ... wasn't happy with me. She wasn't upset but she just kinda seemed like "oh, okay. Well that's about how much you should be doing anyway" and I struggle where i'm at as it is so it hurt my feelings... I just want her to be happy with me, you know? But I'm too scatterbrained and neglectful of certain responsibilities and too emotional. My sister really doesn't understand how lucky she is not to be like me. She's independent, and my mom gets upset with her a lot but I feel like she's proud of her so much more often too.
In other news Miraculous Ladybug
is the cutest show please watch it. it's my new favorite and I want to see how it ends someday.