I log into deviantart and the journals are just packed with drama. Cheese and crackers, guys. >.>;
Hope all of you feeling down feel better soon. I have my own vent to write, unfortunately.
I've been offline about as much as I was online prior to a month an a half ago. I haven't been the best with focusing, but I've been offline, making at least a little effort to focus on the real world around me, paying attention to the animals, tidying up and unpacking (much more of the latter) even if in a very unorthodox manner.
Yesterday I make a horrible mistake.
I log onto Netflix to take a break and start watching a new anime for the first time since like, last year or something.
oh my gosh.
The animation had an infuriating presentation. Episode 1 began where it should, but then episode two took this enormous leap to four months later. Episodes ended on such cliffhangers, they weren't even proper cliffhangers. They cut off the episode right in the middle of a scene. I couldn't stand it. It drove me crazy. So what do I do, of course?
I watch the whole d*** thing. All 25 episodes in a day. While you may guess I actually liked the series, I wouldn't recommend it being that its PG rating should have been PG-13 due to molestation of a female character toward the very end. I try not to recommend anything that disturbs me more than the sexual or violent content Pirates of the Caribbean. Even being just that episode, I'd just rather not...
So to the point: my mom got extremely irritated at my fascination with the anime since I couldn't turn it off. Understandable, but I planned to work all day today.
Today, not first thing in the morning, I log on to check on you all. Mom conveniently lost her phone just as I started writing this journal. Note that our house has really crappy reception. The chance of successfully sending or receiving a phone call is probably 50-50 at best if the phone you're calling is lost inside of the house. Also note I'm very poor with remembering to charge my phone or keep it with me unless I decide to leave home (for the latter. I forget to charge it most of the time regardless, and it's usually dead). Naturally, I was a little irritated when she asked (impatiently) for one of us to call her phone so she could find it.
Mom used to be a very patient person, but after everything with dad she's developed a pretty short fuse.
My irritation was instantly declared to be about leaving my computer. My computer automatically became the most important part of my life, and after about 2 minutes of effort in trying to find mom's phone without calling it, she decided I was too annoying to be of any further help since asking her where she last place she remembered having it is the most bloody annoying thing a person can possibly do.
I'm pretty sure she does that to me whenever I loose something because I'm blind as a bat and can't see what's in front of my own face. Not to mention she looses her own keys inside her own purse increasingly regularly, so hey. Asking where she last saw the thing is completely uncalled for.
So here I am, updating, saying hi, hoping you're all doing well. Haven't talked to my best friends in a couple of weeks but it's all about me and my computer. I just swear sometimes, I can't truly make her happy. The total amount of time spent offline seems to be irrelevant, and chores seem irrelevant sometimes. There are days where I do more than I usually do, but oops, I forgot like one dish or something, and that's all that matters.
It's more infuriating than the cliffhangers that kept me up til' 3 AM to see the conclusion of that anime. I'm not a perfect person or perfect daughter. I'm extremely forgetful, and a lot lazier and more easily distracted than probably anyone would like me to be. I'm hardest on myself for it. But geez, it's just really hard for me to deal with mom bringing it up sometimes with her disappointment and "once again you only half did the dishes" (and here maybe one or two cups are sitting on the side of the sink, usually. I only leave more than that if I'm extremely tired, and I try to get everything done).
Now mom SAYS she doesn't mind me being on the computer and that I just need to "balance" but I don't think she means it. I would have logged off already if she hadn't upset me so much. Forgot my meds again today, so better just suck it up and get to work before she goes from talking like nothing happened to "nothing's getting done in your room". Just, I don't get how after 22 years she doesn't see what her little comments do to me. Yes, I have issues with getting things done, but just the way she reminds me... Usually it's more hurtful than helpful. It's hard to explain. Sometimes people remind you about things, and that's fine. If it's REALLY important, than frequent reminders are fine there too. But it's nice if sometimes you just let people get to things on their own time and straighten out their thought processes and psychologically let them have some space.
My room is about 1/3 the size that it was at one point. I kept a lot of my stuff from that "one point". I had a bigger closet. More floorspace. The room I'm trying to move into already has stuff in it, and some of it's not stuff I want or need and I might even be lacking in some sort of chest or bookshelf... if it would even fit in there. My unpacking has not been properly executed, adding to the chaos and confusion. My floor is covered with stuff and I just don't know what to do with it all. I'm doing my best, and I need time. I need time to not be working on my room so I can work on commissions and stuff I owe. And just time to relax. I need to take my time straightening up everything in there, and while mom's more willing to give it than Em, I just feel like she's expecting this organized person to come out of me from nowhere when we all know my organization is chaotic and that doesn't get a room tidied up very nicely (and especially not quickly) in this situation. It's just stressing me out.
And when I get really stressed, I want to just take a break.
Thus I don't get much done, because even if I resist taking an actual break, I step into my room, look around, and my brain bounces indecisively between options or takes an unwarranted vacation as I start thinking of something more pleasant. Quite honestly, this would be 100 times easier if I just had a little more space. Psychologically AND physically. I have some of my boxes still out in the living room, but if my doorway even had a bit more space leading out, that would be helpful.
To determine what I'm keeping, I first have to figure out what I'm not keeping.
To figure out what I'm not keeping, I have to figure out what fits.
To figure out what fits, I need space to put things.
To have space to put things, I need like everything cleared out of there except the furniture and shelves.
To have everything cleared out... that's not happening. And being that I barely have space on the floor, this process is very slow. I can have it done by the new year, but I don't want to be hassled about it. I've never been good at sliding puzzles and that's exactly what this feels like. A bizzare, gigantic sliding puzzle.
I don't know.